The Day My Book “Dialogue with the Coach” Was Launched

This post coincided with one of the greatest moments of my coaching profession and personal life achievement, for, yesterday, I launched my first book, entitled “Dialogue with the Coach” (ISBN 9789675222153), which is published by an eminent publishing company, MPH Publishing.  This book is a compilation of 100 real-life coaching cases compiled over my many years as a coaching professional. 

What sets this book apart from other conventional coaching books is the use of Powerful Questions to sharpen readers’ minds, and make mental shifts to see new possibilities and break out of self-limiting beliefs.  And, cleverly drawn illustrations and caricatures added clarity and humor to some coaching principles and concepts!

Why do I want to write a book?  After all, I have been contributing a unique Question & Answer column in a national newspaper for many years.  And I am also a Platinum Author for the Business Coaching section of the EvanCarmichael.com website, besides being a prolific writer for many other e-newsletters and media both locally and internationally.

It’s simple, really.  What I really want out of the authoring of a coaching book is to scale up my contributions as a practicing coach by raising my readers’ self-awareness, and helping more people not only to resolve their issues but also to make them ‘coaches’ in their own lives.

The launch of this first book is but the beginning of something that is intentionally positioned as a “coach-in-a-book” to help every coach and leader scale new heights through an expanded worldview and courage to tap on their potentials as well as others.

It is my wish and hope that you avail yourself of a copy of the book (at a very reasonable price of RM24.90) to kickstart your venture into the exciting world of coaching! 

Are You Safe To Talk To?

 In the last post, I shared some pointers to choose a good coach.   What are some ingredients that must be place for you to feel safe to talk to the coach?  In other words, when is the coaching environment a conducive one where you will feel comfortable without fear of backlash or being criticized/insulted? Or when you do not feel threatened emotionally or even physically?

In my experience as a coach, this safe environment is a must, for without it, I will never get my clients to go deep into their issues including shadow  issues.  In reality, a safe environment that allows people to open up is not confined to a coaching relationship.  All people, whether they are managers with employees, parents with children, religious leaders with community members and even the police with suspects, need to have the ability to create an environment for authenticity and truth to prevail.

So how do we do that?  Here are some ways to make people feel safe to open themselves up to you.

1. ACCEPTANCE.  Accept people as they are.  They do not need to create a persona to relate to others within a community or relationship, nor hide parts of themselves to appear more successful or be more acceptable.  They also do not need to fear who they are or what they say would be judged.
   
   
2. RESPECT.  Treat them as credible and worth a ‘second look.  Honor each other’s choices and words.
   
   
3. CONFIDENTIALITY.   Unless they want to share with others, what are said in a coaching conversation should be kept in a tight lid.
   
   
4. CLEAR BOUNDARIES.  Set and agree on clear boundaries and keep them.
   
   
5. HEALTHY CONFLICT.  In that spirit, both of you can talk about anything that is not working or  does not feel right.  The goal of the conversation is to make it right.
   
   
6. OPENNESS.  Help the client not to be reactive but open to whatever that is brought up in the conversation.  Thus, he or she does not fear that you will be shocked, fearful, hurt or disgusted by what is being shared.

COACHING WORKOUTS

Consider your relationships.

• Which ones are considered safe for you?
• Which ones are not?
• What are the differences between the two?
• What might be done to make the “unsafe” relationship safe for you?
• What can you do to make people feel safe when talking to you?

Ways to Choose a Good Coach

If you are convinced that a coach would be the right "intervention" professional for yourself or your organization, how do you go about choosing the right one? Here are some ways you can do so.

1 Coaching Qualifications

Ask them where they get their coaching training from, and for how long. By international coaching standards, they should have logged at least 100 coaching hours before they are competent to coach others. Be careful of those who are "jack of all trade" where they are consultant, trainer, coach etc. Can they make a good coach? A tip here: ask them what is coaching and what they as a coach would do for you. Use your gut feelings to help you decide if you are satisfied with their answers.

2 Coaching Experiences

Ask them to narrate their coaching work and experiences that they do for individuals and/or organizations. Find out the kind of individuals and/or organizations they are representing. It will tell you a lot about them.

3 Coaching References

Although coaching clients may be reluctant to talk to you, you may be able to find some who are willing to share about their coach's abilities and whether they are satisfied with the services they provide. Find out the coaching techniques that they use.

4 Coaching Terms & Conditions

This is a must in order to determine the type of coaching relationship you want. All these areas need to be discussed and agreed: duration, frequency, logistics, replacements dates and coaching fees.

5 Coaching Trial Session

It is common to ask for a free trial session where you can experience coaching with a coach. Liken it to the small cup of free coffee offered to you by the promoter at the supermarket. It gives you the opportunity to see and feel whether you are "triggered" by the coaching proceedings, the rapport building, the questions asked and the new ways

you are beginning to think! And, it will reveal to you what will happen if you were to engage a coach.

6 Coaching-Personality

Since it is certain that you will meet the coach face to face, you will have first-hand experience to find out more about him/her such as self-projection, self-credibility, self-confidence, the questions they asked and the answers they provided, and most of all, whether you feel you will be in the good hands of someone you can truly trust and rely upon.

Coaching Workouts

1 What would be some reasons why you should engage a coach? What are you looking for in a good coach? How do you define "good"?

2 What are you prepared to "give up" if you were to engage a coach? What are you not prepared to give up? Why not?

3 Of the 6 areas above, which one would you be prepared to compromise? What would be some consequences of this choice?

Coaching, Distinctively Different!

I want to talk about something different today, that is, what’s the difference between coaching and other helping or intervention professionals such as therapists, mentors, consultants, etc.

Let me share a testimonial. A doctor client in a coaching conversation said this to me, “It has been a long time since someone like you are spending every minute of this conversation just talking and listening about me. In my profession, I tell people what they are, what they need, and they have to listen to me.”

Very often, I can see the faces of my coaching clients lit up and look so fascinated yet so touched that everything is centered on them!

This is what happens when you put people in the center of the coaching relationship. Coaches like other helping professionals such as mentors, consultants and counselors have to learn this and faithfully follow this golden rule that their relationship with their clients must reflect their needs. It is an intentional design which offers value of meaning and usefulness to the persons receiving them.

How do we put people as the main focus in a coaching session? There are at least 3 aspects.

1) FOCUS. Both the coach and client focuses on the client. This makes the relationship different from a “friendship” type where both parties take turns to share the spotlight. In coaching, the spotlight rests brightly and firmly on the client with the coach acknowledging his/her humanness!

2) CONTENT. In coaching, the client sets the agenda, and comes out with the issues or topic they want to work on in the session. This approach differs from many other helping professions where the professionals such as organizational consultants, therapists, human resource professionals set the agenda rather than the client. They offer valuable services but they are not coaching. In coaching, the client has the opportunity to direct the conversation, although the coach manages the coaching process and structure.

3) STYLE. Both the coach and client brings their own relating styles to the conversation, ie the way they talk to each other including the pace, tone, gravity etc. Coaches are keen observers and will follow the lead of their clients and match their moods accordingly.

And at the end of it all, the client feels that they have been heard and the coach cares about them! And this is one secret ingredient that makes coaching so life-transforming and empowering for many!

Coaching Workouts

• Try spending time with a child. Let the child sets the agenda for the time together. After that, think about the experience.
  
  
• Think of a time when someone places all his/her attention on you. What did the person do or not do, and how do you feel?
  
  
• When are the times when you wanted to push forward your agenda? What prompted you to do it? What did you learn from it? What would you do now to put the spotlight on the other person rather than on yourself?

Fighters of a Different Kind

It has been 3 months since I started my blog. What an insightful and pleasant journey it has been as my thoughts and reflections reach out far and wide to my friends, fellow coaches and the cyberworld at large!

Coming back to my last post, I hope you have found it useful to reflect on things I have shared as you go through your daily life. I encourage you to share your thoughts etc with me and others who have been following my blog, by clicking on “Comment”. You can also forward the blog post to your friends who might be needing a “virtual helping hand” in their moments of discouragement or dilemma.

In this post, I want to share something about fighters. It is not a story about Mohammad Ali or Mike Tyson. They may fight for fame and money. Many of us do not have the muscles or the ambitions to be world-beaters in the boxing ring. Instead, we want to be fighters of a different kind, where the battles are everyday affairs. Let me explain a bit more.

In life, many of us have no choice but to fight especially those of us who have ever faced illness or a life-threatening situation. Similarly, a mother will fight in childbirth to delivery her baby safely, and a new jobseeker will fight to secure a job. There are other battles where we fight for love, security, acceptance and a better way of life. And of course, there are those martyrs who are prepared to die in their fight for freedom from oppression.

Nearer home, there are enough for us to fight the good fight in our everyday lives even as we strive to live by our principles of decency, integrity and leading by example.

The problem I have struggled with for a long time is reconciling the concept of “going with the flow of life” and “fighting the good fight”. At first glance, they seem to be incompatible; in reality, they are not. “Going with the flow” does not mean that we passively take in whatever life dishes out, or that life is always smooth and wonderful.
For me, that is what “fighting the good fight” is all about – making a stand and doing your best according to your conscience and what you know is right.

So, I salute you with “fight the good fight” as a clarion call to be warriors of light (to borrow a term from Paulo Coelho) with the intention to leave this world a better place than when we came into it! Come to think of it, it is a fight all on its own where, with each battle, we send out some ripples into the world!

Compromise or Sacrifice

If you are asked to define “compromise” and “sacrifice”, what would you say? Are they the same or different?

Compromise is about lowering our demands and expectations on people or the things we want, while sacrifice is about giving up something in order to get something even bigger. So, which one gives you greater happiness? Let’s examine both a bit more.

The word “compromise” is an interesting concept. Somewhere along our lives, many of us would have come to believe that compromise is the only way to keep the peace and stay happy. The paradoxical reality is that compromise causes frustrations and unhappiness simply because you cannot have your cake and eat it too! Like someone has said, “If you limit your choices only to what seem possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want and all that is left is a compromise.”

The word ‘sacrifice’ is a more empowering word. To me, it is the best and only way to find peace and happiness. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating sainthood or martyrdom in your quest to find and live a life of happiness, purpose and meaning. Really, it is about what you are willing to GIVE UP or sacrifice in order to have the life you want.”

Ask those who are successful in life and they can narrate details of sacrifices they have had to make to achieve their dreams or goals. This is because anyone who is serious about having something different in his/her life has to be 100% committed. Anything less is a compromise.


Powerful Questions:
• How often do you have to choose between “compromise” or “sacrifice” as defined above?
• What does it involve?
• What will make you decide if it is important enough to pursue it?
• What action/s will you take?
• What action/s will you not take?

To Resolve or To Resign?

Recently, I went to Sudan to coach a group of engineers to become coaches. For them being highly technical people, such soft skills concepts like Coaching were totally new to them.

After the session, a small group of them came privately to confide in me that, while they are excited about using their new coaching skills, they are also worried and concerned about their current reputation and credibility in the eyes of their subordinates. From what they told me, the relationship between them and their subordinates have not been good for a long time.

Inevitably, the subject revolved around 2 options:

Option 1 - To “resign”, meaning, to give up their plans to be coach-leaders; or
Option 2 - To '”resolve”, meaning, to find a solution to their concerns.

So, the million-dollar question was : which of these two was better.

Often in our lives, we are faced with having to exercise one of these two options as a way to get out of our woes or predicament. Whatever decision we choose will impact us differently. So, when we are at the crossroads of having to choose an option, we better think hard.

In my opinion, “to resolve” means having the courage to get it over and ensuring that the issue is laid to rest. There is a finality and acceptance to the issue and we also learn to adopt a perspective to challenge it with greater clarity should it surfaces again.

On the other hand, “to resign” is another kettle of fish altogether. It implies that there is a great feeling of powerlessness around us. It is a kind of shrugging off our shoulders as we have no power or choice in the matter.

So, what’s the next move?

The first thing to do is to ask ourselves what our value is and why is it important to us. Very often, we spend an inordinate amount of time thinking, talking and reacting over stuff that are not really important in our lives. In the bigger scheme of things, does it really matter?

Take an example of your spouse or friend not appreciating what you have bought for her/him, or your boss’s “bad taste” remark that your children do not listen to you! What’s your immediate reaction? Get upset, angry, or frustrated? Start an argument even though you know you may not win? Blame the other party and wait for an apology (which may not come, or takes a long time to come)? Wait for the other person to change his/her ways?

Or you can take time out to reflect on what’s really going on and look for an opportune time to talk it out when the emotions are not so high. Now, for the important part – act on what you know now. It is no point keeping it to yourself or hope the other party can read your mind and make the first move. Always remember, it is your call!

Do you always have to do this? No. It depends on the sort of relationship you want to have and the kind of life you are willing to work for. You can either work towards resolution or resignation. The choice is yours!

Powerful Questions:
• How often do you have to choose between “resolve” or “resign” as defined above?
• What does it involve?
• What will make you decide if it is important enough to pursue the issue?
• What action will you take?
• How will you feel about it?